First rant

Writers think they can write… right?

Young, self conscious screenwriters are hilarious. Don’t even bother giving them feedback because instead of taking notes their face will turn to rage and they’ll produce a small poo on the chair in front of you.

Let me state: I don’t think of myself as a writer, but writing is easy.

I don’t think my fellow students suck, but I do think most suck at screen. They can all write pros, but honestly who gives a shit about pros? This is screenwriting.

Pros can suck my balls. I’ll leave that to the professional writing students, with their bizarre sense of superiority and magical gifts for writing. Just don’t ask them to write about themselves or you’ll hear the most drab pieces of shit in the world. Anyone who has just come out of high school should not do professional writing. Trust me when I say this: You have nothing of importance to say. Hearing you read about your childhood from the hallway is laughable.

“Wishing well… my small hands, clasping at the autumn leaves…”

Oh, that almost brought a tear to my eye. #deepnmeaningful

Back to the screen:

If you can’t pen a script together and then a re-draft, whilst writing another script, or treatment, with several other ideas for other genres and formats flying around your brain, then you’re never going to become a screenwriter.

I use the term screenwriter loosely, as the returning speakers to our course are honestly the most boring individuals I’ve ever heard speak. Not to mention their work; It is pure shite to me, but apparently amazing to the Australian TV viewer. All 15 of them.

To reiterate: I don’t think I’m some fantastic writer. I’m just a hack with an opinion. A keyboard warrior is what all the Sunrise viewers would call me. You’ll catch up with the rest of the interwebz soon enough.

I’m not jealous or bitter (about screenwriting at least), however when you are using these people as motivation and inspiration, I honestly have a stint of constipation.

“It’s a difficult ten year journey. Just volunteer with places that won’t let you, make lots of contacts and get lucky.”

So I’ve listened to the Daft Punk song, now I’m off to make lots of contacts!

Here I am at a Writers’ Guild event listening to a success story. It’s the same story I heard the week before, but Im almost positive it’s a different ugly, old person talking. Thank god Con the Fruiterer is hosting this thing or I’d be walking.

The hour is up and a bunch of even older people are in a room talking to each other. So you puff up that chest, clear your throat and suggest a TV show that could be the next Breaking Bad (overrated). You have a great chat and hear some very interesting industry stories, but at the end of the day they have their own work and couldn’t care less about a young student brimming with subconsciously stolen ideas.

They wrote a semi successful Australian show that had four seasons in the 70’s and probably had a stint on Neighbours or Home and Away. Meanwhile the theme “They took our jerbs!” is running through their mind and they have child support, anti depressants to buy and have to think of that next big show… Probably something about a family… on a farm… but they’re from the city…then they become country folk… maybe win the lotto, but it’s actually a metaphor for winning and losing in life. Cops! It needs some cops in there too. While we’re here, throw in some true to life criminals. We MUST celebrate the crims and killers!

I’m off to write a Brett Cowan biopic titled “Buried – The True Story of the Death of Daniel Morcombe from the Eyes of Killer Cowan”